Does Alistair's sizzling shoes help his anxiety?

 So, what am I talking about? Well, Book 5 in my Rainbow School books for 7-9 year olds called Alistair and the Sizzling Shoes is now out. As I put in the 'About the author' page at the back, I loosely based him on me when I was at primary school. I was anxious, bit my fingernails (don't now) and did dancing lessons (I think it was barn dancing). His passion is dancing, hence the sizzling shoes. Does his hobby help make his life easier and help him make friends like his dad mentioned in a postcard to him? You can find out at https://www.amazon.co.uk/Alistair-Sizzling-Shoes-Rainbow-School/dp/B08HTBB3HC/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=Alistair+and+the+sizzling+shoes&qid=1600257753&s=books&sr=1-1

If you do buy it, I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I have loved writing these stories and getting the characters to make friends along the way. Billy comes into his own when he helps his new friends.

Happy reading.

Perimenopause and panic and anxiety attacks

I thought I had been going well with coming downstairs here at home, but a couple of weeks ago I had another panic attack upstairs. I froze at the top of the stairs and it took me three goes to get down. I think it might have been something to do with the fact at the time we had our gardener here and my mum was preoccupied, so I had to cope with it on my own. It feels that my brain doesn't like doing too much on its own these days.

It certainly doesn't like me walking outside on my own, not even for a few steps. When I went shopping the other day with my mum, she gave me something to put into a bin by the bus stop we were at. I tried but froze. It felt that it didn't like the openness of the space and didn't want to fall.

I originally thought the anxiety and panic attacks I had last year were to do with blood pressure tablets I had been taking, but now I have had another one and am on a different tablet which is working, I am more inclined to think that it was the start of the perimenopause for me. Grrr...

It has got me thinking about this horrible anxiety lark I am having with the perimenopause. It seems that it has heightened the anxiety I have for stairs and heights, and for going out on my own. It certainly doesn't like open spaces outside these days.



We shall see how I go.

Asperger's, perimenopause, anxiety and crossing roads

I am sorry I haven't been on here recently. Life went pear shaped in April when my dad passed away. It has been a tough few months. Anyway, throughout all that I have been having CBT for my anxiety crossing roads. I feel I have made v slow progress. When I am with my therapist on my road, I am able to cross my road and back again a few times, and have managed this for a few sessions. But when I am on my own with my mum watching me from the gate, I waver and get anxious again. I have only managed it once with my mum, the second time I managed to cross the road but couldn't get back again because I felt so anxious and afraid to fall. This past week I have only managed to cross the road ahead of my mum but on my own, not next to her. It is small steps but that's how I feel I can cope with the anxiety. I might try again tomorrow as it is the last day before my next session.

I believe it is going to be a slow and long process but I want to get there as my mum has great difficulty walking and doesn't like going out on her own anymore.

Menopause, anxiety, stairs = progress

There has been progress with me coming downstairs during the day at home. This morning I went up and down twice - when I came down first thing and without doing any mindfulness exercise, then later on to need the toilet as my mum was washing the floor of the utility room. I have been doing this in stages this year and hope to progress more soon. Here are the stages:

Stage 1: Get used to being upstairs in my bedroom. Do things with my back to the door. Do mindfulness exercise before coming downstairs, telling myself to go slow.

Stage 2: While upstairs, get used to going from one room to another one. Do mindfulness exercise and go downstairs, telling myself to go slow.

Stage 3: Go upstairs to do something extra in the morning one day more, such as making the bed, no mindfulness exercise but still tell myself to go slow. This is where I am at now.

I am slowly building up to more. I am determined to get there. On Thursday I had to go up and down twice. First to make my bed. But then later on that morning I fell ill with a UTI and had to go to bed. If my brain knows I have to do it, then I will.

New writing goals

Happy new year. Yes, I know it's a bit late but have been busy with personal things going on. So, it's a new year, and I have more writing goals with one main one to focus on from this year on. I am going to concentrate on being an indie author and writing and publishing my ebooks/books for adults and children. I might think about sending an idea to a magazine that published a story of mine last year, but not sure. I have to go through any ghost stories I have already written and printed, see if they are suitable then write a blurb for it.

So here are my main writing goals:

1. Publish 'The Valentine's Card' in February. It is out for editing at the moment, and I am sorting out the cover for it. So this should happen.

2. Publish 'Qessa and the Bouncing Blazer'. Edits have been done and I just need to do minor checks on some repetition my editor pointed out.

3. Publish 'The Friend' short story. Will be later in the year as I haven't finished writing it yet. I know what the cover will look like.

4. Either send a ghost story to a magazine or work on ghost stories for a short story collection of my own I have in mind.

5. Get 'The Rainbow School Guide to Anxiety' ready for publication. Nearly finished this. Want to add illustrations to this and work out the cover.

The first three I will definitely do this year. Hopefully the other two, too.

Well, they are my goals for this year as a proper indie author. Good luck with yours.

Me, anxiety and...

the peri-menopause. Yes, I have reached that stage in my life. I have recently worked out that my anxiety is probably down to the perimenopause. I have been having hot flushes and put on weight, too, both symptoms of the menopause. I am now on HRT and am waiting for it to take effect. I am still anxious about crossing roads on my own, and going down stairs/steps. On Monday I went to the dentist at Guy's. To get home, we (my mum came with me for the first time), had to go down steps to get out the station. Sorry, no I couldn't do that. It was dark and wet, the rails were wet and slippery. We ended up getting the lift up to the footbridge, walking across that then getting the lift down to the other side. Then we crossed the road to get a bus. We finally made it home. Before we had to go out to the chemist over the road to get my blood pressure tablets I had been waiting for.

I had been coping OK with our stairs at home in the morning, coming down them first time each day, until this morning. I had a bad hot flush, which made me feel dizzy, so got anxious about going downstairs. It took me half an hour to finally make it down, following my mum downstairs, slowly.  I now have to work out how to keep my face cool before I go downstairs so I don't get overheated again. Grrr....

I would like to know if you have had anxiety during the menopause, and how that affected you. Please let me know in the comments.

Why writing is my saviour

In my current world of anxiety issues, writing is my saviour. Why? There are a couple of reasons, and here I outline them.

1. While writing, I am concentrating on the world of my characters. So I am not thinking about me and my anxiety problems. Unless I happen to write about a character with anxiety and/or Asperger's. My current adult wip has an Aspie lady in it as the main character, but I have made her different from me. She is younger and braver than me.

2. If I didn't write, I wouldn't have books to publish and then sell. Having books to sell, means I can go out and sell them at markets and libraries. Yes, I do have to go out and cross roads, even if my mum has to come with me to the place, but I am still getting out. I do not want to become stuck in my own home with anxiety. I want to go out and meet people, talking about books.

I currently have put The Racing Angel and One Good Turn back into paperback (available from Amazon), so will have more books to sell for both adults and children.

Me, anxiety and roads

There is a new anxiety I am having now - I can't cross roads on my own, which means that I can't get out on my own as I have to cross roads. I think it has to do with balance. When I went to see my GP a couple of weeks ago, I felt v anxious and my head was all over the place, and so was my body. I ended up having an anxiety attack in the middle of an island in a side road. I felt so off balance that I was going to fall. No one was around to help me and I had to cope on my own. I only managed to get to the clinic because other people did come to cross the main road, so I walked with them. I felt safer doing that. I can get home on my own locally because the buses I get on, both stop just round the corner to my road, so all I have to do is get off, and walk a few minutes round the corner.

This is so frustrating for me as I had been going out on my own a lot up until a couple of weeks ago. I had to because my mum, who walks with a stick, isn't that confident about shopping either. Maybe there was something there hidden in my brain that was anxiety, and something has triggered it all of ten-fold (it feels like hundred fold), telling me that I can't cope with doing that alone anymore and need help. It is hard for me and my mum because she now has to come with me if I need to go somewhere, even across the road to get the paper. I did try the other week, but got to the end of the road to where I usually cross to the garage, and froze, starting another anxiety attack. It is going to be a long, slow journey to get better, I believe. I want to get better.

This is now going to be a diary, which I might publish next year after I am better, journalling how I feel about situations.

Me, Anxiety and Heights

Following my last post, things have been happening; good and bad. The good is that I am now on another tablet for my blood pressure which has calmed me down a bit when I'm indoors. The bad is that my anxiety turned into both anxiety and panic attacks, which were the heart palpitations, shaking, dizziness. I still get anxious about coming downstairs, but have now found a way to cope with it in the morning. I breathe deeply, do a mindful exercise (tense and relax arms, hands, shoulders and head), tell myself to look to the floor, go slow and go. That way does work. I have managed to come downstairs at the first attempt using that method, inc this morning. But the anxiety raises my blood pressure. I haven't gone up and downstairs during the day or evening yet, although I do go and have a nap in the afternoon, when I am all right. I think it is because I am in my bedroom for all that time and not going back and forwards across the upstairs landing which looks down onto the stairs, which I do in the morning. I get changed for bed etc down in our utility room, which does have heating in. It's smaller than the bathroom but will do for now. I thought that it was just the stairs at home that affected me, but when I went into a Boots yesterday and they had a few stairs going down, I froze then, too.

I am going to take it a step at a time, knowing it will be a long term thing until I am better. I am going to my GP on Thursday to ask to get counselling about this, esp now that my anxiety has affected another part of my life - going out on my own, esp crossing the road. We shall see what happens. My next post will be about anxiety going out and what I plan to do about that.

Me and my anxiety

Do you remember last year, shortly after my mum fell downstairs, that I mentioned I got anxious about going downstairs? Well, it's come back again, and a bit worse. I think it started on a Sunday when I had already been upstairs cleaning, gone downstairs for a while then went upstairs to help my mum with something. I got my bag with me and put some things in to take down but it was too bulky and as I went downstairs, it banged against the wall and made me nervous about falling. That was it. I went upstairs again and took a few goes to come down again.

On a couple of times it has taken me half an hour to get the courage to come down, after a lot of tears. It took me two goes this morning. There are other things going on that could be contributing to his anxiety of mine. I am on additional tablets for my blood pressure that has an 'uncommon' side effect of anxiety and nervousness, and I am very nervous about watching my mum in the garden as she has lost her balance a few times this year. Thankfully, no injuries, just scratches. She now uses the big fork to walk with as a stick and something to balance with as she digs and hoes the weeds.

I also hate escalators and steep slopes. I avoid the former if I can find another way to where I have to go. I encountered a steep climb this morning and my mum had to force me to walk up a bit to get across the road to where we wanted to go, which happened to be closed.

I have found that I'm not the only one who hates stairs and these high things. I posted about this on a FB group and got a lot of comments.

I hope that it doesn't last too long. I am currently having to get changed for bed and brush my teeth downstairs in the utility room, with the heating on.

ASD, gastro problems and anxiety - tips to help

I don't recall having any gastro problems as a child, or being anxious to cause it. I was anxious, I know, cos I used to bite my fingernails (not done so for over 20 years now.)

I am not a health expert, so these are just my ideas.

If your child does have gastro problems cos of anxiety, then try to calm them down. Maybe with a toy they like, or singing if that's what they like doing. Get their mind away from what is going on with their body to something they enjoy.

For older children to adults. There are two ways that help me at times, that you could try.

1. Deep breathing exercise that can be called 'the 4-5-4'. You breathe through the nose to the count of 4, hold for 5 seconds, then breathe out of your mouth to the count of 4, relaxing as you go. Do that a few times. I have done this on a bus to go shopping to calm my anxiety so I didn't have to dash to the toilet.

2. Mindfulness. I was taught this in CBT. I usually do it in bed at night. I lie down, arms at my side, breathing in and out calmly. I tense my feet for a few seconds then release, then my legs, working my way up to my head. Then I loosen my body so I'm relaxed enough to turn over and go to sleep. It is meant to work.

I hope these can be of help to your autistic child.

Anxiety in adults - Tips

I have had anxiety with meltdowns, mainly as an adult. I don't know about other Aspie adults, but I have found that my anxiety has got worse as I get older. But I have found ways to cope with the anxiety. Here are the situations I have been in and my tips to cope with them.

1. Shopping – Always take more money than is needed. This was the situation I was in when I had my first meltdown and had gone shopping on my own for the first time. I didn't have enough money to buy the tapestry threads I wanted, which upset me greatly.

2. Shopping with someone else – Arrange to meet at a certain point in the shop or outside if you get separated.

3. Going to a new place - Work out times and transport to get there. Leave with plenty of time, especially if it's for an appointment. When there, take a map. Make a note of any landmarks eg a shop or statue, so you know where you are going.

4. Job interview application – If you feel it will help you, then do put down on the form that you have Asperger's/autism, and explain how it affects you, what they can do to help you in the interview. Eg eyes, questions etc. Familiarise yourself with the place and job. If you don't understand a question, ask them to repeat it but in simple language. I recall the last interview I had when I only suspected I had Asperger's. A couple of the questions I took too long to answer and replied wrongly. If I had asked for it to be repeated simply, I might have got a different outcome – fail. As it was, I didn't get the job. It turned out to be the right thing in the end, as I got the time to find out about myself more and get diagnosed.

5. Appointments running late – This one really makes me anxious and worked up. If your appointment is running v late, do tell the consultant when you see them. They will understand, and hopefully will arrange your next appointment to be at an earlier time in the day.

Do you find anxiety is worse as an adult? How do you cope?

ASD and common co-morbidity

I was born with a ventricular septal defect (hole in the heart or congenital heart disease). It wasn't until I was diagnosed with Asperger's in 2011 and read the report that I discovered that this is a common co-morbidity with ASD. Who knew?

So how does it affect me? I am slow, physically, than others. I get a stitch in my side and breathless when I either walk fast, go up a hill or run.

At school I hated PE because I'd be one of the last people to be chosen for teams; probably because I was slower. I hated the gym sessions in primary school. I couldn't do handstands because the blood would rush to my head and I'd go dizzy. In secondary school I remember when we had a sports day at a nearby stadium. Most of the school walked there but I had to get the bus with a few others in my class. We got off at the wrong stop and were late for the start.

When I was little I was told that the hole would decrease in size when I got older but over the last couple of years, I've been told that it has done the opposite and stretched. I still get breathless going too fast or up hill. Sometimes when I walk fast I can hear my heart beat louder, as it's worked hard.

So, that is my common co-morbidity with ASD. Do you have one, too? How does it affect you?

I have loosely based Book 3 of my Rainbow School series ' Susie and the Jiggling Jumper' on me. Susie has a heart condition which makes her slower than her classmates and her little sister, so she has to overcome this with her ASD.

Susie's advice with coping with the anxiety of a heart condition is: 'Don't worry about this. Do things at your own pace and don't feel pressured into doing something that you know you can't do.'

An Aspie and her anxiety

My anxiety about going out has come back. I believe it is because after I had the kidney infection, I stayed indoors for over a week, with the only outside space I went to being the garden. I can go over the road to get the paper OK. But when I go shopping locally, I've felt my stomach flip with anxiety either before I go or within half an hour of being out. This causes an IBS flare up.

On Friday, I went shopping with my mum. I was fine before we went, so I thought that I would be OK. But, no, just as the bus got to the centre, I felt my stomach flip. I tried to put my anxiety into words; why did I feel anxious? I've been here before and I was OK. (Something I read to do in the current issue of Top Sante). It worked for a while but after walking round shops for half an hour, I had to stop. Luckily the centre has public toilets where I went. I was fine after that. It is so frustrating to me me and my mum as I feel that it spoils the shopping trip for us. I might have to sit for longer before I go out, or try the talking out my anxiety more. I hope to get back to normality soon.

Me, Asperger's and Adult Meltdowns

Autistic children grow up to be autistic adults. They aren't cured, they don't grow out of it. It stays with us, and sometimes, in the case of me, it can get worse as we get older.

You might have seen films about autistic children having meltdowns in shops, adults can have meltdowns, too. I don't remember having meltdowns as a child (probably did) but I do when I was growing up from a teenager to an adult. Here are a few times.

The first one I really recall was one of my first shopping trips by myself. It was local. I had gone to buy some tapestry bits for doing a cross-stitch tapestry. When I came to pay for them, I realised I didn't have enough money. I was mortified. I left the shop in tears, and without a thing.

Cause: Frustration. Motto – Always take more than enough money when going shopping.

The second example was when I was at work. I had gone for an interview for another job in the same department. It was the written test, and included sums, especially percentages, which I am not good at all. I read it but still couldn't work it out. I got so upset, I ran out of the room in tears and to the nearest toilet. Not a good example for future employers. I was calmed down by my then team manager. I never got the job, and in hindsight, it was a good thing.

Cause: frustration. Motto - If you can't understand something, especially in an interview, I feel that it is best left out. If in doubt, leave it out.

The last example comes from the recent past of a few years ago. My mum and I used to go to the local big Sainsbury's. I used to get IBS within half an hour of starting walking round the aisles, so had to leave my mum to carry on while I went elsewhere. Only, when I came out, I couldn't find her and panicked. This caused me to get upset and cry, making me lose all reasonable thought. When my mum found me, I had a go at her, crying, causing a scene. Definitely a meltdown.

Cause: separation anxiety. Motto - Agree to meet at a particular point in the shop if you get separated. Or the parent to wait outside the toilet. We ended up agreeing to meet in the centre of the store. It worked.

So, adults can have meltdowns. I plan to write out a guide to meltdowns and shutdowns in due course.

My autism event and an interesting question

Yesterday as part of World Autism Awareness Week #WAAW2017 I did an event at my local community library to raise awareness of the condition. I was helped by my friend John Caritas. My author friend, Amanda Lilywhite (Hi, Amanda) came with her autistic daughter and her father as she said she would. We got talking about autism and other things.

Amanda's daughter asked me an interesting question, which I replied, I don't know. She asked me, Why do I have a different autism than her (she has normal autism). I then said it could be genetics as I believe that it is in the genes of our families. (I think I got mine from my dad). I did try to explain using an image of the rainbow, that at one end there is me with Asperger's who can do things for myself which she probably can't, going along to the far end where people can't do things for themselves and have what is called classic autism. This got me thinking about it. I wonder if people are born with different levels of autism in relation to how much autism there can be along their family lines. So, if a child was born with both parents being autistic; one with Asperger's and the other with autism, the child would be more autistic, than say a child born with just one autistic parent.
What would your answer have been? Why do you think people are born with different levels of autism?

Anyway, Amanda bought a copy of Billy from me for her daughter, which I signed. They had to go after a while because of her daughter being autistic. Later on John walked round the library and found a couple of other parents to meet me so I could tell them what I am doing about raising awareness. They had heard of autism, but didn't know about it being Awareness Week. I gave them my handouts about ASD and what it involves for children then adults, and meltdowns and shutdowns. I also gave out cards promoting Billy.

At noon I packed up to go home. I gave the librarian copies of my cards and handouts, because she wanted them as she had told me that people do want to know about it. I might speak to her about this when I see her again in a couple of weeks time.

After this, I decided that my passion is to raise awareness of autism more not by giving talks but by writing guides on various topics to do with ASD such as anxiety and bullying, and maybe sell this together. Yesterday made me realise that people do know about autism but aren't aware of what it all involves, so I want to work on that in all ways I can with my writing.

Coping with IBS at home and leisure

Back to my series about coping with IBS, or not. Today I am going to post about how I have coped, or not, with IBS at home and leisure time.

First, at home. I am talking about when I am at home and about to go out shopping. For quite a while, earlier this year, I would have breakfast, get ready, then go shopping with my mum to get the weekly food shopping. Mistake. As I've said in my previous post, it is a good idea to sit and rest for 20 mins or so after eating because your food won't digest properly. I know this now from experience. When I did this, and started walking round the store, half an hour in shopping I'd say to my mum that I had a stomach upset and needed to go somewhere. Feeling that I was spoiling the shopping trip, made me anxious and made my stomach feel worse. I hated this happening. Not only because it spoiled our experience shopping, but due to having Asperger's Syndrome I'd get anxious about not finding my mum when I came out. (That is another post about coping with AS). Thankfully, this hasn't happened for ages, and I intend it not to happen again. If it does, my mum and I have a strategy to meet up.

Secondly, leisure time. I am talking about when you are going out to meet friends. I often go out and meet writer friends for talks, or brunches and lunches. There was one occasion recently when the weather was v hot (in the 30s) and I was going to be meeting friends for brunch and had to sit outside. I got really anxious about this and ended up with a stomach upset from IBS. I didn't go in the end, with the excuse that sitting in the heat was bad for me and my heart (I have a hole in it, and was said that people with heart problems shouldn't stay in the heat), and wasn't well. I get nervous about going to talks in general, but try to stay calm and relaxed before hand. I think in that instance, it was a case of going into the unknown as well as going to a place I'd not been to before that set it off.

So, if you have IBS, how many times has it stopped you enjoying pleasant experiences such as shopping and meeting friends? With me, lots of times.

Question Time - Need ideas

I have lots of ideas for pitches of articles about living with Asperger's Syndrome, but my main ideal would be to have a column for a year or so in a magazine. I have thought of 8 ideas already on 'how to cope with AS and anxiety' but need a few more if I were to have a year to do it.   Here are the ideas I've come up with already. How to cope with AS and anxiety ...

1. At Christmas
2. If you get lost by going to a new place
3., Going to social events
4. At primary school
5. At secondary school
6. Starting work
7. With family at home
8. If you are bullied
9.  With friendship

Would be glad to have more ideas so when I come to pitch a column later on I have plenty to give and impress.

Look forward to hearing from you all. I will be putting a message about this on FB and possibly Twitter.