Sunday, 7 July 2019

Asperger's, perimenopause, anxiety and crossing roads

I am sorry I haven't been on here recently. Life went pear shaped in April when my dad passed away. It has been a tough few months. Anyway, throughout all that I have been having CBT for my anxiety crossing roads. I feel I have made v slow progress. When I am with my therapist on my road, I am able to cross my road and back again a few times, and have managed this for a few sessions. But when I am on my own with my mum watching me from the gate, I waver and get anxious again. I have only managed it once with my mum, the second time I managed to cross the road but couldn't get back again because I felt so anxious and afraid to fall. This past week I have only managed to cross the road ahead of my mum but on my own, not next to her. It is small steps but that's how I feel I can cope with the anxiety. I might try again tomorrow as it is the last day before my next session.

I believe it is going to be a slow and long process but I want to get there as my mum has great difficulty walking and doesn't like going out on her own anymore.

Sunday, 17 March 2019

Menopause, anxiety, stairs = progress

There has been progress with me coming downstairs during the day at home. This morning I went up and down twice - when I came down first thing and without doing any mindfulness exercise, then later on to need the toilet as my mum was washing the floor of the utility room. I have been doing this in stages this year and hope to progress more soon. Here are the stages:

Stage 1: Get used to being upstairs in my bedroom. Do things with my back to the door. Do mindfulness exercise before coming downstairs, telling myself to go slow.

Stage 2: While upstairs, get used to going from one room to another one. Do mindfulness exercise and go downstairs, telling myself to go slow.

Stage 3: Go upstairs to do something extra in the morning one day more, such as making the bed, no mindfulness exercise but still tell myself to go slow. This is where I am at now.

I am slowly building up to more. I am determined to get there. On Thursday I had to go up and down twice. First to make my bed. But then later on that morning I fell ill with a UTI and had to go to bed. If my brain knows I have to do it, then I will.

Monday, 18 February 2019

The goals are achanging

In my last post about my writing goals this year I mentioned one goal I wanted to achieve, possibly, but if not do the alternative. The goal was to maybe submit more ideas to a certain magazine that published short stories that was suited to what I write. That goal has now completely changed, because the magazine has changed their rights policy. When I had my story published with them last year, I was given the rights back after publication. That magazine now has a contract (which I didn't get) asking for All Rights. You can read more about it at You can also read more about it in the current issue of Writer's Forum magazine.

So what to do instead? Well, I am planning on getting all my magical and ghost stories together to put as a collection. I am also going to enter more competitions and write more fillers, starting this week. I will be entering a flash fiction competition this week, and have in mind to write a couple of bits for Writer's Forum magazine. Watch this space...

Wednesday, 16 January 2019

New writing goals

Happy new year. Yes, I know it's a bit late but have been busy with personal things going on. So, it's a new year, and I have more writing goals with one main one to focus on from this year on. I am going to concentrate on being an indie author and writing and publishing my ebooks/books for adults and children. I might think about sending an idea to a magazine that published a story of mine last year, but not sure. I have to go through any ghost stories I have already written and printed, see if they are suitable then write a blurb for it.

So here are my main writing goals:

1. Publish 'The Valentine's Card' in February. It is out for editing at the moment, and I am sorting out the cover for it. So this should happen.

2. Publish 'Qessa and the Bouncing Blazer'. Edits have been done and I just need to do minor checks on some repetition my editor pointed out.

3. Publish 'The Friend' short story. Will be later in the year as I haven't finished writing it yet. I know what the cover will look like.

4. Either send a ghost story to a magazine or work on ghost stories for a short story collection of my own I have in mind.

5. Get 'The Rainbow School Guide to Anxiety' ready for publication. Nearly finished this. Want to add illustrations to this and work out the cover.

The first three I will definitely do this year. Hopefully the other two, too.

Well, they are my goals for this year as a proper indie author. Good luck with yours.

Friday, 7 December 2018

Me, anxiety and...

the peri-menopause. Yes, I have reached that stage in my life. I have recently worked out that my anxiety is probably down to the perimenopause. I have been having hot flushes and put on weight, too, both symptoms of the menopause. I am now on HRT and am waiting for it to take effect. I am still anxious about crossing roads on my own, and going down stairs/steps. On Monday I went to the dentist at Guy's. To get home, we (my mum came with me for the first time), had to go down steps to get out the station. Sorry, no I couldn't do that. It was dark and wet, the rails were wet and slippery. We ended up getting the lift up to the footbridge, walking across that then getting the lift down to the other side. Then we crossed the road to get a bus. We finally made it home. Before we had to go out to the chemist over the road to get my blood pressure tablets I had been waiting for.

I had been coping OK with our stairs at home in the morning, coming down them first time each day, until this morning. I had a bad hot flush, which made me feel dizzy, so got anxious about going downstairs. It took me half an hour to finally make it down, following my mum downstairs, slowly.  I now have to work out how to keep my face cool before I go downstairs so I don't get overheated again. Grrr....

I would like to know if you have had anxiety during the menopause, and how that affected you. Please let me know in the comments.

Friday, 16 November 2018

Why writing is my saviour

In my current world of anxiety issues, writing is my saviour. Why? There are a couple of reasons, and here I outline them.

1. While writing, I am concentrating on the world of my characters. So I am not thinking about me and my anxiety problems. Unless I happen to write about a character with anxiety and/or Asperger's. My current adult wip has an Aspie lady in it as the main character, but I have made her different from me. She is younger and braver than me.

2. If I didn't write, I wouldn't have books to publish and then sell. Having books to sell, means I can go out and sell them at markets and libraries. Yes, I do have to go out and cross roads, even if my mum has to come with me to the place, but I am still getting out. I do not want to become stuck in my own home with anxiety. I want to go out and meet people, talking about books.

I currently have put The Racing Angel and One Good Turn back into paperback (available from Amazon), so will have more books to sell for both adults and children.

Monday, 15 October 2018

Me, anxiety and roads

There is a new anxiety I am having now - I can't cross roads on my own, which means that I can't get out on my own as I have to cross roads. I think it has to do with balance. When I went to see my GP a couple of weeks ago, I felt v anxious and my head was all over the place, and so was my body. I ended up having an anxiety attack in the middle of an island in a side road. I felt so off balance that I was going to fall. No one was around to help me and I had to cope on my own. I only managed to get to the clinic because other people did come to cross the main road, so I walked with them. I felt safer doing that. I can get home on my own locally because the buses I get on, both stop just round the corner to my road, so all I have to do is get off, and walk a few minutes round the corner.

This is so frustrating for me as I had been going out on my own a lot up until a couple of weeks ago. I had to because my mum, who walks with a stick, isn't that confident about shopping either. Maybe there was something there hidden in my brain that was anxiety, and something has triggered it all of ten-fold (it feels like hundred fold), telling me that I can't cope with doing that alone anymore and need help. It is hard for me and my mum because she now has to come with me if I need to go somewhere, even across the road to get the paper. I did try the other week, but got to the end of the road to where I usually cross to the garage, and froze, starting another anxiety attack. It is going to be a long, slow journey to get better, I believe. I want to get better.

This is now going to be a diary, which I might publish next year after I am better, journalling how I feel about situations.