An Aspie and another change at home

 When I last wrote about a change in home, it was about me coming home after hospital and having carers myself. Those two weeks went and Mum came home, and that was the next change. I had spoken to Mum briefly on the phone a couple of days beforehand, thanks to a kind chaplain. Mum's voice then, which sounded frailer, should have made me realise how she would be when she came home but I was just glad to see her again. That day was really hard for me as I saw how Mum was for the first time. She was confused to where she was, which is a sign of delirium. Also she said some strange things to my brother. It was to be the start of her time with carers doing her personal care such as washing her. Although Mum had been very slow at walking before I went into hospital, she had been independent still and able to walk round the house. Do cooking and washing etc with me. So it was hard to see her stuck in a hospital bed and having carers see to her personal needs. Having experienced that myself during my own hospital stay after surgery, I knew what it was like. It can make you feel useless and frustrated. I had hoped that seeing me be able to walk about again might encourage and inspire Mum to do the same, but it didn't because her brain had changed with dementia and she didn't want to. I think she might have still been depressed at the time. I had to get used to seeing a new Mum, one who was confused a lot of the time and started saying weird things. Although Mum had had carers helping her before I went into hospital, these were new people, and it was hard to get used to at first, even though I did think that it was good that Mum was having the same carers day after day so she wouldn't get confused so much.

Did I get on with the carers? That is another story.

PS I know that the term 'Asperger's' isn't used anymore because of the history of the man whom it was named after, but I was diagnosed with it, so that is what I say and call myself. I also say I am autistic.

Resilience, Asperger's and the biggest change in my life

 I have been talking on here about being resilient. I have also been mentioning that people with Asperger's, like me, find it hard to cope with change. I feel that resilience and change go together, especially with me at the moment as I am going through the biggest change in my life (not talking about the perimenopause which they can call the change). I am of course talking about living on my own after being with my mum all my life. There have been times over the years when I did wonder how I would be and where when I was on my own, but it is nothing like I feel now. Here is how I thought about it over time.

As Mum's health and therefore her mobility got worse and she had to walk with a stick, I did wonder what would happen to me. I imagined at the time that maybe we could live in separate houses/flats next door to each other so we would still be there for each other when needed.

Then came 2021 when I came out of hospital and Mum came home, bed bound and with dementia. I knew that my previous image of the future was out of date. I now imagined that Mum's dementia would get worse until the time came that she had to go in a home. It would be a time of transition for me, getting used to living on my own before such time Mum wasn't  here any more. 

Then came last year when Mum came very ill and went into hospital, twice. That was a period of transition where I would visit Mum in hospital and come home to live alone the best I could. The year and a bit when Mum was home with carers taking care of her needs, was also a time of transition I believe, as I was the one who was doing all the work here at home as Mum no longer could. 

Until... the day came when I got the news she had gone. I miss her so much still.

In a way it is like I am sort of continuing life as I did when she was in hospital but deep down I know she isn't there. I get lonely. I get sad. At times it feels surreal still. My inner resilience dips at times when I cry. Thankfully I have the support of my brother and my friend to keep me going, most of the time. I also believe that Mum helped me cope with life over the years, especially the practical things such as washing etc. 

So, yes, resilience and change go together, as I believe you need some resilience to cope with change, especially when you have Asperger's.